Monday, February 7, 2022

Come and Meet Them All - THE CAST OF CHARACTERS FOR "PRESIDENT HAMILTON"

    Writing a 650+ page novel is no joke.  Especially when it is a work of historical fiction that involves both real people and created characters interacting with each other!  After my second book, I discovered it was a lot easier to keep a cast of characters at the end of the manuscript, so that instead of scrolling all the way back to Chapter Two so find out "what was the name of that guy Hamilton went to see after the duel?" I could scroll down two pages instead of two hundred and see his name and a brief bio there.  It's a system that has worked for me through four books now. 

     I have a beta reader named "Ellie" who has been my friend and literary supporter since I started this journey in 2012, and when I'm writing a book I send her each chapter, as I finish it, and she sends it back to me with comments, corrections, criticisms, and questions that help me write a better story and often send me into peals of laughter. About three or four chapters into HAMILTON I sent her the cast of characters, and when she replied she added snarky notes, comments, and jokes to each character.  Not to be outdone, I began making up my own silly comments about each new character as I introduced them. The result was what you will read below.  When I submitted the book for publication, I decided that the Cast of Characters was simply to silly and off-color to be included in a serious and (I hope) thoughtful work of alternative history.

     But now that the book has been out for a while, and has been purchased and read by hundreds (hopefully soon to be thousands) of people, I found myself reading over it and thinking that it's simply too much fun not to share with a wider audience.   So scroll on down to read this bit of whimsy that my beta reader and I concocted as we went back and forth with my book during its creative process. However,. before reading this, read the following warnings!

1. CONTAINS SPOILERS!!!!  If you have not read PRESIDENT HAMILTON yet, the character descriptions below, by necessity, give away some aspects of the story, especially as you go further down the list. So read at your own risk!

2.  IT'S A JOKE!  Some of these descriptions make light of serious stuff.  Humor is a time honored way of dealing with tragedy and distasteful things; my flippant comments are not meant to minimize real suffering or some of the less savory aspects of American history.  These sarcastic, snarky comments made it easier for me to tackle some real historical unpleasantness in my book.  So if you're easily offended, read no further.

3.  This list is comic relief, but my book is actually quite serious. So don't come away thinking PRESIDENT HAMILTON is a piece of slapstick.  My 'Cast of Characters' was a way to blow off steam after doing hundreds of pages of serious writing.

So, after all that, if you still want to read on . . . HERE IT IS!!

PRESIDENT HAMILTON  CAST OF CHARACTERS: 

          (Simplified for non-history majors) 

 

Aaron Burr:  Vice President of the USA, general bad guy, killed by Hamilton in a duel in 1804, does not re-appear after the prologue except in the past tense. 

Alexander Hamilton: the Founding Father dude this story is about; crazy smart, helped create our country but never got to be President (until now) 

Philip Hamilton:  Hamilton’s firstborn, killed in a duel in 1801. Shoulda shot first! 
Maria Reynolds:  Hamilton’s onetime squeeze, whose husband blackmailed him to keep quiet about the affair and then spilled the beans to the opposition anyway! 
Eliza Hamilton:  Hamilton’s wife; a hottie with common sense and a whole pack of kids.  Made one VERY classy First Lady. 

Rachel Benson: The Hamilton family’s cook and nursemaid; could cook up a superb stew using only three ingredients 

Thomas Jefferson:  President of the U.S.; Hamilton’s nemesis, super genius IQ but no secret lair or dimwitted sidekick, an idealist who has to be kicked in the crotch to do the right thing.  Later becomes a friend and supporter. 

Charles Cooper:  One of Hamilton’s blabbermouth friends, whose loose lips caused Burr to issue the infamous challenge 
Nathaniel Pendleton:  Hamilton’s second at the infamous duel, and general partner in political mischief 
Dr. David Hosack:  Hamilton’s physician and personal trainer, invented the tongue depressor but used it for stirring coffee 
William P. Van Ness:  Sidekick of Aaron Burr; now unemployed 

Matthew Davis:  Some other guy that hung out with Burr till the duel left him looking for new friends 

James Madison:  Jefferson’s BFF, sidekick, and Secretary of State, but not at all dimwitted.  Hamilton’s favorite frienemy.  Shorter than the average dwarf. Convert to Hamilton’s First Church of Liberty, AKA “Slavery Sucks!” 
Alexander Hamilton, Jr.:  Hamilton’s oldest surviving son and namesake (but seriously, Gomer, if you need to be told that, you shouldn’t be reading this book) 

Bishop Benjamin Moore:  Pastor of Trinity Church and one of Hamilton’s spiritual advisors.  Stuffed shirt, but nice enough.  You can rearrange his name to spell: “Bambi Join Pheromones.” 
James Hamilton: Hamilton’s younger son and Junior’s little brother.  Again, duh! 

John Laurens: Hamilton’s BFF and man-crush, but in a totally non-gay way.  He’s dead but not gone, if you know what I mean. 

George Washington: Commanding general of the American forces during the Revolution, first President, and Hamilton’s sugar daddy. Also dead but not gone. 

Angelica, John Church, William, Eliza, and “Little Phil” Hamilton: Hamilton’s other children.  He was a busy guy. 

John Armstrong: Senator from New York, sent by Jefferson to France to eat crepes and pay for Louisiana. 

Samuel Mitchill: Hamilton’s opponent for the 1804 special Senate election.  Smart guy, but OH! So boring! 

John Woodworth: Republican member of the New York Senate, also state Attorney General; friend of Hamilton’s even if he played for the other team 

Rufus King:  One of Hamilton’s Federalist posse members; had the largest collection of used wine corks in New York 

Hercules Mullligan: Former spy for the continental army, expert tailor, member of Hamilton’s personal posse.  When you knock him down he . . . well, you know the rest. 

Isaac Foote: Federalist State Senator; friend of Hamilton’s, known to use way too much bubble bath 

Justinian Wallace: landlord, innkeeper, speaks with a cockney accent even though he lives in Washington DC.  Hates Congresscritters. 

George Clinton: former governor of New York, Jefferson’s Vice President, certifiable curmudgeon and occasional underwear sniffer, hates Hamilton for being younger, better looking, and smarter than he is. 

Charles Maurice yadayada Talleyrand – French foreign minister; slippery as an eel and so crooked they had to screw him into the ground when he died.  Friend of Hamilton, though. 

Samuel Maclay: Senator from Pennsylvania, came to be a reluctant supporter of Hamilton, lived in fear of four-knuckled noogies from his older brother 

Thomas Worthington: punk Senator from Ohio, thoroughly owned by Hamilton on more than one occasion but keeps coming back for more like a yappy little Chihuahua picking a fight with a bulldog 

William B. Giles: cranky old fart Senator from Virginia who hates Hamilton, John Adams, and puppies 

Ezra Darby: the “Captain Conspiracy” of the 9th Congress, convinced Hamilton was in league with the devil and possibly Cthulhu as well 

Benjamin Tallmadge: an old friend of Hamilton’s and Hercules Mulligan’s, Continental Army spymaster, Congressman, and master (de)bater; later Secretary of War for President Hamilton 

Elijah Cartwright: Hamilton’s fast-riding, fast-living Senate page; a real hit with the ladies, not so much with their husbands, later the President’s personal secretary 

Ajax Smith: Former slave, blacksmith (literally), and friend of the Adams family 

Abigail Adams: John Adams’ wife; a tough job but somebody had to do it 

Elijah Hopkins: Captain of the Plymouth, he cut a wide swath through British pride and New England’s maiden population.  His name can be rearranged to spell: “She like panji-ho” 

Baron David Erskine: British minister plenipotentiary to the USA (but you can just call him “ambassador”).  Likes American dishes, in fact, he married one! 

Josiah Quincy: Federalist congressman, ally of Hamilton’s, and a collector of seashells that resembled Ben Franklin’s posterior 

Oliver Wolcott: succeeded Hamilton as Secretary of the Treasury under Washington, now gets to come back and work for Hamilton – proof that if you do a job right, you get to keep doing it, like it or no! 

Rufus Jenkins: Overseer of Madison’s plantation, way too fond of slave women, later opened the original “Boom Boom Room” in New Orleans 

Nero Madison: former slave who became overseer of Madison’s plantation, Montpelier.  His son Caligula Madison was a bit loopy . . . 

Obadiah Brown: Chaplain of the United States Senate, Baptist pastor, and Washington social butterfly 

Robert O’Malley: Hamilton’s White House butler, and occasional confidante, known for his skill in playing the trumpet (and occasional strumpets)_ 

Sally Hemings: Thomas Jefferson’s slave, lover, occasional conscience, and eventual second wife. She eventually helped him "see the light," so to speak.

John Tyler – Governor of Virginia, a reluctant convert to Hamilton’s abolition plan.  His oldest son and namesake never amounted to much . . . 

Richard Brent: Virginia’s junior U.S. Senator, politically ally of Hamilton, and founder of the Virginia chapter of the “Napoleon Bonaparte Lookalike Club” 

James Breckenridge: Virginia Congressman and friend of Hamilton’s; his name can be rearranged to spell “Break Me Green J-Dic!”, which was his rapper name. 

George Fitzhugh: Virginia state legislator who thought that slavery was the best thing since sliced bread – or unsliced bread, for that matter! 

John Jay: Former Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, and an old ally of Hamilton’s, now returned to serve as Attorney General; “J.J. the Supreme” to his friends 

David Lenox – Director of the Bank of the United States, which was Hamilton’s favorite brain-baby 

Henry Clay – Congressman from Kentucky who grooved on the whole compromise thing, later Speaker of the House 

John Gaillard – South Carolina Congressman, staunch defender of slavery and Southern institutions, famous for his shrimp gumbo 

Nicholas Gilman – New Hampshire Congressman and ally of Hamilton’s, a distant relative of the Creature from the Black Lagoon 

John C. Calhoun – crackerjack attorney and Congressman from South Carolina; loves slavery like a Democrat loves taxing the rich, but more eloquently, he didn’t handle losing well. 

James Anderson – Senator from Tennessee, an old war buddy of Hamilton’s whose sister got jiggy with Lafayette back in the day 

John Marshall – Chief Justice of the Supreme Court; also known as “J-Daddy of the Supremes” 

Lily-Beth Carroll – also known as the “ER of the 19th century,” she captured the heart of the “Casanova of Capitol Hill” and got him to settle down – or did she? 

Nicholas Carroll – Lily-Beth’s papa, who is righteously skeptical of her new amour – and handy with a horsewhip to boot! 

Raoul Vega – Spanish officer who led a raid into U.S. territory and was killed by Jackson’s men 

Andrew Jackson – Militia General from Tennessee; treacherously killed by the dastardly Spanish.  Not a single Cherokee wept at his funeral. 

Jose de la Garda – Unofficial envoy from King Joseph Bonaparte to the USA, an anagram of his name is Drag A Jade & Lose! 

Luis de OnizOfficial envoy from the Junta, a bunch of guys who want to replace one French King of Spain with another French King of Spain, and will kill you if you try to stop them! 

Winnfield Scott – Every morning at muster you could see him arrive, he stood six foot six and weighed two forty fiveBadass American soldier with a killer right hook. 

Jacob Brown – Commanding General of the Southern Department of the U.S. Army during the Spanish War of 1811 

Andrew ShasteenBrown’s second in command; held New Orleans during the war. 

Enrique White – Irish-born Spanish governor of East Florida.  Took the whole “death before dishonor” thing way too literally 

Augustus Magee – U.S. Army officer in New Orleans; hobnobs with Mexican revolutionaries and Scandinavian moonshiners 

Bernardo Gutierrez – Mexican Revolutionary who decided America was his best bet to get rid of Spain. 

Juan Jose de Estrada – Spanish Governor of East Florida for two days.  His administration was remembered for its efficiency, lack of corruption, and stench of gunpowder. 

Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna – Sassy young Spanish officer, captured by the Americans, remembers the Alamo but doesn’t know why 

Thomas Madison – Cousin of James, loves to tell funny stories 

Roger Effingham – eager beaver young North Carolina planter, hosts Hamilton and Madison on their trip south 

Cletus – Elderly slave on Effingham’s plantation, anxious to be free 

David Stone – former governor of North Carolina, solid rock of a dude 

Benjamin Smith – Governor of North Carolina; apparently named after my Dad. 

Thomas Chadsworth – Mayor of Wilmington, NC, hosted Hamilton on his grand Southern tour, elected by a punch card ballot, so he really got his chad’s worth! 

Robert Fulton – famous American inventor, the guy could really build up a full head of steam sometimes! 
Roger Whitaker – young soldier from New York, courier for Colonel Scott, befriends Hamilton 

Henry Middleton – governor of South Carolina; Hamilton’s foe in the 1812 Presidential election. 

Dante Gomez – Spanish agent provocateur who came to the U.S.A. with Vega to stir up a war 

Angelica Schuyler Church – Eliza’s sister, Hamilton’s closest friend, and a socialite on both sides of the Atlantic 

John Church – Angelica’s husband, a genial soul with a fair singing voice, always outshone by his wife but bore it with tolerable good grace because he got to take her home every night! 

Francisco VinegasViceroy of Spain’s New World Empire, spent most of his career playing whack-a-mole with Latin American rebels and swivvying the chambermaids 

Ferdinand VII – King of Spain, a greedy, grasping man-child who was only interested in things that would enrich and empower himself.  Called the “Donald Trump of the 19th century” 


Now if you have read all that and still haven't read the book - here is a link!

https://www.amazon.com/President-Hamilton-Novel-Alternative-History/dp/1632137100/ref=sr_1_23?dchild=1&qid=1624931942&refinements=p_27%3ALewis+Ben+Smith&s=books&sr=1-23&text=Lewis+Ben+Smith